When I Feel Your Velvet, I Can’t Help It

If you would like to purchase this masterpiece, you can do so here.

In 1988, Weird Al released the album Even Worse as a rebound to the commercial and critical failure of Polka Party!. The album did the trick thanks to hit parodies like “Fat,” “I Think I’m A Clone Now,” and “Lasagna.” But, like so many of Weird Al’s albums, the true musical treasures can be found in the original songs.

For one, Yankovic’s second stab at Sting and The Police, Velvet Elvis, hits a main artery. It has everything you’d expect from any Police song: a tinge of reggae, blurred time signatures, and an over-inflated sense of self-importance. And, like Nathan Rabin (2020), I gained a renewed reverence for the song when I saw it performed live earlier this year. During the performance, Weird Al and his band “became the world’s greatest Police tribute act, only better, because they were playing a “Police” song written not by Sting but by someone more talented, and with a slightly better sense of humor about himself to boot” (p. 129).

But this song came back to my attention for another reason. In 2018, Kacey Musgraves released a song with the same name and, needless to say, it was more popular that Weird Al’s version of the song. Her album “Golden Hour” won both the CMA and Grammy for “Album of the Year.” Additionally, Musgraves contributed an Elvis cover to the soundtrack of the 2022 Elvis biopic. So, naturally, Elvis is on her mind.

Weird Al’s take on the titular object, which is a painting of The King on a velvet canvas, sometimes adorned with rhinestones, is more literal than Musgraves’. She adores the warmth and tackiness represented by a Velvet Elvis and uses it as a metaphor for a potential lover who may be a bit gaudy and embarrassing to some people, but they’re just right for her. She fantasizes:

I wanna show you off every evening
Go out with you in powder blue and tease my hair up high

And

Soft to the touch, feels like love
Knew it as soon as I felt it
You're my velvet Elvis, baby

Now, Here’s Where Things get Weird

Seeing a 30-year-old echo of this oddly specific song title led me to ask how many songs have this title? After all, Elvis is iconic and the words “Velvet Elvis” are a nice piece of assonance that can be easily made into melodic material, especially if the accent is on the first syllable of each word and the notes descend between the first and second syllable. One would think there may be just a few more.

No. There were no fewer than 33 distinct songs by 33 different artists out in the world about Elvis on velvet:

Thirty-three songs is too many to write about individually. And, honestly, not all these songs are worth very much attention. I listened to each song and am now utilizing my academic literature review skills to distill and summarize this phenomenon.

So, first, some general observations:

Only two songs predate Weird Al’s, each written and performed by punk bands. Pink Lincolns (1987) and Adrenalin O.D. (1986) both tell aggressive stories celebrating the procurement of a Velvet Elvis painting. And this makes total sense. Punk music, by definition, represents counter culture and embraces all things dissonant. So, the tautology between iconic glamour and bad taste fits nicely among the general punk aesthetic.

Next, the bulk of the songs are either country or punk and the eponymous piece of art is used as either an allegory or as an object in a larger story, often a narrator’s source of ironic pride. The odd part is that there’s no pattern after that. Those two distinctions exist independently of genre. For example, the punk group, Pink Lincolns and country/bluegrass group, Dick Twang Band both released songs about a literal Velvet Elvis in 1987 and 2009 respectively. And southern rock musician Daniel Markham and 90s punk group The Stray Cats both use a Velvet Elvis painting metaphorically - the latter using it as an unflattering symbol of cultural decay, as if a portrait of Elvis on velvet is the United States’ collective Dorian Gray.

Notably, the Stray Cats’ entry is the only song that treats a Velvet Elvis like a bad thing.

Everything else is some variation on the aforementioned patterns except for a few exceptions. There may be more, but the following outliers demonstrate what I consider “legitimately weird” credentials.

Velvet Elvis Outliers

The Electric Stars (2021)

This nine-minute track opens with a gospel-inspired organ solo and quickly moves into what sounds like Pink Floyd’s “Shine On You Crazy Diamond.” We then get to the meat of the song that shifts to a more straightforward dance rock. It’s a journey that feels both meandering and tight, mostly due to the lyrics not really following any particular pattern aside from what words seem to fit the melody. For example, there are references to politicians and “another joker in the White House, baby!” among the reassertion of what “is music.” But, the piano vamp holds the music together and gives it a sense of cohesiveness from beginning to end.

The perplexing part is how Velvet Elvis fits into the whole thing. This observation is not necessarily a negative critique, but a Velvet Elvis isn’t mentioned in the song until the very final refrain. But, this lyrical climax could tie the themes together and connect the audience to the idea of music as “solid gold” and “sonic candy” - two polemic phrases that can represent substance and shallowness respectively…like a Velvet Elvis painting.

Or, if we’re taking the Velvet Elvis as a deeper metaphor of a flawed king, and at the risk of reading too deep into it, the allusion to “Shine On You Crazy Diamond” sets up The Electric Stars’ own tribute to their own hero who flamed out too young. Pink Floyd’s “crazy diamond” is actually Syd Barrett, who left the band in 1968 after, essentially, melting his brain with too much LSD and becoming too erratic for the increasingly popular progressive rock group. Similar to Barrett, drug abuse also cut Elvis’ career short.

Regardless of the depth of interpretation, the song is well constructed and definitely a bit weird. The fact that one can read this deeply into it shows the care and craftsmanship The Electric Stars put into their music.

Stir (2000)

Modestly successful alternative rock band, Stir’s, contribution is more baffling to me than anything. It’s a solid alternative rock song and the lyrics are quite good…until you realize they’re talking about a Velvet Elvis painting. In many of the other examples in the playlist, it’s clear that a Velvet Elvis is a humorously over-valued item (like in Weird Al’s, The Dick Twang Band’s, or Pink Lincoln’s songs) or a proxy for another adored thing (Kacey Musgraves’ song). But, I am not sure if they are performing this song with a wink or really taking themselves incredibly seriously - I’m talking Staind-levels of self-appointed and undeserved profoundness.

Not exactly Velvet, but just as tacky to have in your den.

Stir goes full-blown Christian Rock with their awe-struckness for a painting that offers the narrator redemption:

I touched my hand upon Elvis
Now I can't complain
I touched only felt on his canvas, and I'll do it again

And

Hey, hello, are you my only friend?
Because I'd love to hang with you someday

And

Sometimes we hear what's softly spoken yet still seem so afraid
And when we're healing all that's broken
We turn to you and say I think you're right where you belong

This song could still be a deep-fake where the narrator has a profound spiritual experience while staring at a picture of Elvis Presley on velvet as if it were a depiction of Jesus on the cross - a dense satire poking fun at Christian Rock tropes that ooze shallow sentimentality to the point of making spiritual redemption stories kitschy.

For one, the song is a sonic anomaly on an album called '“Holy Dogs.” Even the title track lacks a strong spiritual connection unless one generously interprets the line “The dogs will come with their mouths wide open to take me away” as an eschatological allusion to demons dragging the singer to Hell.

Also, the lyrics can be clumsily applied to Jesus on the cross, particularly the wordplay on the verb “hang” and assertions that Elvis on velvet, like Jesus on the cross, is “where he belongs,” as if both succumbed to their appropriate fates. These lyrics work for both figures and may have caused the narrator to realize that Elvis (Jesus) may be their “only friend.”

This thematic ambiguity makes this song a weird hidden gem on this album.

Alex Winston (2011)

This song is a stone-cold bop. I love it. It has this ethereal and nostalgic quality that sounds like it should be muzak in the background of a 1960s grocery store. And this aesthetic makes sense because the lyrics tell a story of the narrator’s sexual awakening at the behest of a Velvet Elvis painting. The song opens with the pixie-voiced Winston declaring:

I mean, c’mon, Nintendo…

Ma said, I ain't right
Clutching on you all night
But you're my, you're my guy, Elvis

And the chorus leaves little to the imagination:

When I feel your velvet, I can't help it
Hold your frame, whisper your name
When I feel your velvet, I can't help it
And you don't breathe, so you can't leave

Now, you might be thinking this is weird in a bad way, but it really isn’t. This song’s verses are meant to be nostalgic and Winston captures the wistful sexual realization perfectly. For people - like me - who grew up in the pre-internet era, anything remotely sexual in our world was fascinating and could easily become erotic to a young person who doesn’t understand all their emotions yet. Anecdotally, I remember being 14 or 15 and unable to get the Great Fairy from the N64’s Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time out of my head. Childhood obsessions with not-necessarily-erotic posters were also part of a 30 Rock joke about Liz Lemon’s adult sexual hang-ups (starts at 2:54).

The song’s ear-wormy chorus drops the juvenile vocal timbre to truly celebrate the narrator’s current understanding of that experience and brings the listener back to present time. Velvet Elvis still gives her an urge, but now she knows that it’s because it will always be there for her, unlike lovers who can breathe.

With the exception of the Stray Cats’ metaphor, a Velvet Elvis and whatever it’s supposed to represent is a lovable, kitschy piece of trash. It’s a contradiction that embodies how everybody needs a little trash in their lives and we shouldn’t shy away from what makes us happy. Wear that garish Hawaiian Shirt to work. Blast that terrible pop song on your speakers for all to hear. Practice that accordion. Cherish your weird.

Or don’t. It’s up to you to decide to whom you show your Velvet Elvis.

Writing Delinquency

Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping…

I apologize for being delinquent on my blog posts. Things have been crazy between writing for my actual job, teaching, directing a marching band, and welcoming my daughter into the world on November 2nd.

I just wrote the penultimate piece of the Rock Hall Project and will return to this blog some time in December.

The blog will also be expanded to include any type of humorous music worth attention, not just “Weird Al” Yankovic related stuff.

An Obligatory “5 Best X” List

I’m right. You’re wrong. Fight me. Even if you win, you still lose because you’re still wrong

Every blog page about an iconic musical artist needs multiple entries like this…

If you didn’t grow up in the 1980s or 90s, music videos may seem only tangentially related to an artist’s success. But believe me, having a successful music video on MTV was absolutely critical to an artist’s success before Y2K. In the internet age, the rules are a little different, and music videos are more vanity projects than career essentials. The music video was fertile ground for “Weird Al” to expand his artistic vision during the 80s and 90s and open himself up to a whole new audience in the aughts and 2010s.

And he did so with gusto an skill. One of “Weird Al’s” more underrated artistic products are his music videos and, just like his other work in general, there are meticulous details everywhere. So, it is no wonder that Billboard writers consider “Weird Al” to be the number 15/100 video artist of all time (between Radiohead and Busta Rhymes).

Unlike some other lists of “Weird Al’s” music videos, I didn’t just think of the ones I liked. This blog is semi-scholarly, after all. The method for the following list wasn’t the most scientific, but was still bounded by a framework. When I played “Weird Al’s” videos in my head and culled them, I asked two questions:

1) How well does the video accentuate the parody?

2) How effective are the general aesthetics?

I then reviewed the videos on my initial “list” to either confirm or refute the images in my head. Once I winnowed those down, I went back through all of “Weird Al’s” track lists to make sure I didn’t miss anything.

So, without further ado:

#5 Foil

To quote YouTuber Jamel_AKA_Jamal: “Well…that took a turn.”

One of “Weird Al’s” artistic strengths is his ability to juxtapose two things for comedic effect. For his 2014 video, “Foil,” he kicks juxtaposition up to 11.

And it makes perfect sense when you consider the two most well-known uses for aluminum foil. It’s almost TOO obvious.

What makes “Foil” so effective is how all the aesthetics of the original song, “Royals” by Lorde, remain unchanged as both the song and video take a hilarious left turn halfway through. The background music doesn’t change much and the “Weird Al’s” vocals remain detached yet sincere (like Lorde) whether he’s singing about sandwich wrappings or aliens probing your butt. Visually, everything changes from TV infomercial to Alex Jones, but it all makes sense because “Weird Al” maintains the crazy eyes throughout the video.

Accentuated by guest stars Patton Oswalt, Thomas Lennon, and Robert Ben Garant, the “Foil” video adds so much to the original material and acts as a standalone artistic product that reaction videos have become strangely popular on YouTube.

#4 Christmas at Ground Zero

Early in “Weird Al’s” career, his music videos were obviously very low budget. He knows how to make something artistic and funny with next to nothing…which is all he apparently had to work with when putting together the video for his darkly satirical song about celebrating Yuletide under the threat of nuclear annihilation.

As the story goes, “Weird Al” wrote/recorded “Christmas at Ground Zero” in response to his record label’s request. They hated it and refused to fund the music video. So, “Weird Al” paid for the Cold War Era stock footage out of his own pocket.

And wow, does it deliver.

The alternating black-and-white images of flashes in the sky, Santa Claus, houses getting obliterated, and scenes under the mistletoe create the perfect nostalgic backdrop to the Phil Spectre “Wall of Sound.” The only footage in the video that is not stock is the final shot of “Weird Al” and a group of carolers in an empty lot.

Honestly, there are better videos, but this one deserves recognition solely because it’s an incredibly memorable video made for next to nothing. I have to respect that return on investment.

#3 Amish Paradise

This video is just nonstop visual gags. To cite a few:

-Jebediah feeding chickens pizza

-Increasing the speed of the butter churning when the woman walks by

-Lancaster Times front page headline: “Much Butter was Churned”

-Coolio braids under the hat

-Florence Henderson playing Michelle Pfeiffer

-”Weird Al’s” face getting perpetually sweatier, building to a waterfall

-Backwards effect during the final chorus in which “Weird Al” had to say the lyrics backwards

It’s effective because it makes no attempt at coherence outside the song itself. The microcosm of the video is tight and the faux seriousness of everybody in it sells the absurdity of the whole thing. Ridiculousness and slapstick along these lines often feels forced or hackneyed when sustained longer than, say, 30 seconds. But somehow, “Weird Al” is able to present a full video of fairly unrelated visual gags without falling into reductionist repetitions.

#2 Tacky

“Tacky” exemplifies the symbiosis between music and video. The song itself is among “Weird Al’s” stronger song parodies, but this video elevates the delightfully tacky (like Hooters Restaurants) to the self-aware sublime. Plus, whoever did wardrobe for this video deserves every possible award.

It’s both a skewering and celebration of tacky things we do. While I have never taken a selfie at a funeral or twerked at the DMV, I may have had empty liquor bottles around my college apartment for aesthetic purposes. We all own that one tacky article of clothing, have used a coupon on a date, and/or have worn sandals with socks at one (or multiple) time(s). But that’s the fun of the song and the video.

Perhaps the most salient moment of tackiness comes when Kristen Schaal sports a confused look on the line “Bring me shame, I never know why…” Often, if we’re acting or dressing tacky, we’re either unaware or 100% don’t care. And that’s where the video really clarifies the intent of the parody. “Tacky” is not just making fun of tacky people by swapping out words to a popular Pharrell Willliams song - it’s the revelation that we’re all tacky whether we want admit it or not.

Similar to happiness, overthinking tackiness ruins the fun.

Now, where can I get me some of those black and yellow houndstooth pants?

#1 Fat

“Fat” is a no-brainer at #1. It is a perfect shot-for-shot parody of the original video and features “Weird Al” in his iconic fat suit.

I won’t say much else about it except to offer a challenge:

Watch the “Fat” video. Then, immediately watch the original Michael Jackson video and try to not laugh throughout it.

Honorable Mention: Pancreas

The entire song “Pancreas” is an anomaly in my mind. Aside from “Genius in France,” it’s perhaps the most musically expansive work in “Weird Al’s” whole catalogue. But, it’s not very funny. There aren’t any jokes per se. Just facts about the human pancreas as well as how “Weird Al’s” pancreas has some sort of calculable gravitational attraction to other pancreases. It all kind of makes sense when you consider the song is based on the albums Pet Sounds and Smile, where Brian Wilson took The Beach Boys in… let’s say a “new direction” in the late 1960s. But barely.

Now, let’s add a video that makes even less sense!

Similar to “Christmas At Ground Zero,” the music video is mostly stock footage. But instead of Christmas and atom bombs, it’s old footage of live radio broadcasts and somewhat suggestive fruit handling. The stock footage is sometimes manipulated with mirroring effects or edited in places where an actor appears to be approximately mouthing the lyrics of the song.

The old black-and-white music gives off an early David Lynch aesthetic, but then the in-color, anatomically accurate pancreas appears… and the video veers in a direction that’s about as coherent as a Tool music video (at first glance, any way).

This turn is really more confusing than anything, but I think that’s the point. The video can be interpreted as Dadaist. Succinctly, Dadaism can be summarized as:

Through creative absurdities, dadaists protest and frantically react against the frivolities that encapsulate the modern world.

So, for all I know, I’m thinking way too hard about this and “Weird Al” didn’t intend for the song to be any deeper than what’s on the surface. But if “Weird Al” knows anything, he knows how nerds think. And perhaps that’s the joke. He knows if he produced some vague, faux-artistic absurdity, people like me would pour over the details in futility, hoping to find meaning in the randomness - only to be reminded that some knowledge is beyond our scope. The abyssal dissonance will never become consonant, no matter how hard we furrow our brows in an effort to will random frivolities into significance. Therefore, life itself is the joke with the absolute certainty of oblivion as the punchline.

Touche, Mr. Yankovic.

Trigger Happy Everyday (Literally)

“Weird Al” is never overtly political in his music. In some ways, it’s one of the reasons why his comedy feels so timeless. His original song “Trigger Happy” off 1992’s “Off the Deep End” is the closest he comes to making any type of political statement, but even that is in the eye of the beholder. Nathan Rabin, in his book The Weird Accordion to Al, describes the song as “a darkly comic exploration of American gun lust” (p. 178). Recent shootings in both Atlanta, Georgia and Boulder, Colorado bring this song back into my consciousness as I think about the rhetoric surrounding these tragic events. It’s the same old song and dance from every pundit, politician, and Facebook/Twitter adversary. The same questions emerge: “What is the gun problem?” “Is there anything that can be done to prevent these events?” “What is with some peoples’ obsession with guns?”

That last question obviously gnaws at “Weird Al” Yankovic. No matter your political stance, your opinion on guns is based on the culture in which you were raised. Unless you grew up in a home where guns were common, they likely seem like a foreign concept. Personally, I fired a gun for the first time a few years ago and haven’t since. Not because it wasn’t “fun” or I found it particularly disturbing, but the thought “hey, lets go shoot a gun” just doesn’t enter my mind…ever.

I want to emphasize that this blog post is not meant to be a pro or anti-gun argument. If you’re a gun owner: more power to you and I hope you’re a “responsible gun owner” who follows safety protocols so accidents are less likely in your home. I’m not going to change anybody’s mind on the issue, so I’m focusing more on the culture around guns through this entry rather than try to make any sort of policy or moral argument.

And this is what “Weird Al” does through “Trigger Happy.”

Who would win in a fire fight? This guy or the USMC?

I honestly can’t think of a rational reason why citizens in a democratic society need access to high-powered firearms like the ones used in Atlanta and Boulder. I’ve heard lots of reasons, but they don’t make any sense from a logical deductive or an inductive empirical standpoint: “The second Amendment protects the first.” “It’s to prevent the tyrannical government from seizing too much power.” “An armed citizenry keeps the government in check.” None of this makes any sense because if push came to shove, the United States Military would turn you and your arsenal into a crater with a drone. In light of the shootings in Atlanta and Boulder, this attempt at a rational argument is where, as Lily Hirsch writes, “the laugh in “Trigger Happy” collides with reality - the joke shatters in a moment of reflection” (p. 108). It’s almost like that Onion meme about mass shootings could be replaced by ““Trigger Happy” by “Weird Al” suddenly not funny for a while.”

I use the term “rational” above on purpose because nothing about “Trigger Happy” is technically rational. The narrator is joyously paranoid about “commies” and “drug-crazed nazis,” so he sleeps with his AK-47 and Uzi within reach. That paranoia makes him think his life is constantly in danger. What makes a person think they require a military-grade weapon to protect themselves in their home when a person is 43 times more likely to accidentally shoot a family member than a home intruder? Or what makes a person think owning five-plus guns is even necessary? (Almost 30% of gun owners say they own five or more). Like I said, this whole topic isn’t rational, it’s cultural. Gun violence is as American as “Surfin’ USA” and “Weird Al” tries to imitate a gun-lover’s cultural mindset throughout this song.

Yankovic is genuinely confused by gun culture and “Trigger Happy” is his attempt to understand it through humor. We can see this processing by looking at some of the lyrics:

Got an AK-47, well you know it makes me feel alright

Guns definitely make some people feel safe, but statistics in this case tell a much different story. While there are, indeed, some instances of a good guy with a gun playing hero with their guns, those stories are few and very far in-between. Just look at the dates in the linked article. They are trying hard to push the idea that armed citizens stop bad guys, but even they only found 11 over the course of about a decade. Compare that with the fact that, of the approximately 33,000 gun deaths in the US each year, 2/3rds are suicides (most of whom are men over the age of 45), and suddenly the “safety” doesn’t really carry any rational weight. But that doesn’t matter to the protagonist, the Uzi by his bed helps him sleep a little better at night.

Oh, I accidentally shot daddy last night in the den
I mistook him in the dark for a drug-crazed Nazi again

This was true when the song was released in 1992. It’s true now.

Come on and grab your ammo
What have you got to lose?
We'll get all liquored up
And shoot at anything that moves

The bridge of the song is a bit of an exaggeration. Anecdotally, I have some friends who are gun-enthusiasts and they are adamant about gun safety (they have kids in their homes) and they get really mad at their fellow gun-enthusiasts if they see them mix alcohol and firearms. The anecdote doesn’t change the fact that about a third of all firearm accidents involve alcohol in some way and at least one fourth of firearm suicide victims consumed alcohol prior to ending their lives.

Got a brand new semi-automatic weapon with a laser sight
Oh, I'm prayin' somebody tries to break in here tonight
I always keep a Magnum in my trunk
You better ask yourself, do you feel lucky, punk?

No doubt, the TV, movies, and the media glorify gun usage. Hell, the 2018 “Death Wish” remake with Bruce Willis was pretty much an armed citizen wet dream. There’s this fantasy into which many gun-owners buy: that somehow they’ll be the hero who stops a home intruder and saves their family, that they’ll stop a robbery at a Circle K with their concealed handgun, that they’ll save a group of people from a mass shooter at the mall. I’m not saying there are direct causal relationships, after all, I exist in the same media environment and watch/enjoy the same shows/movies as gun-owners. But, I don’t daydream about pulling my piece to save an attractive young girl’s life from a randomly deranged bad guy.

I’m not citing statistics or spinning an argument to convince anybody of how dangerous guns are or to suggest a possible policy change that would “solve” the problem of gun violence in America. Rather, that “Weird Al’s” jokes about gun-nuts aren’t completely inaccurate and that “Trigger Happy” continues to be an extremely poignant song about gun culture and violence in America. What’s more impressive (and kind of depressing) is how this song remains salient 30 years after its release…

It is arguably “Weird Al’s” darkest song and I had a hard time listening to it as I thought about this blog post. That’s what good art does. It makes a reflective statement on indelible features of a society. Unfortunately, one of those uniquely American societal features is gun violence.

A Confounding Album

Most mornings, I’ll play a random “Weird Al” Yankovic album in the background while I make my son breakfast. This habit has helped me enjoy Yankovic’s entire catalogue, expose my son to an eclectic variety of musical genres, and generate ideas for this website. Most of the albums make sense and I can rank from being good with some incredible highlights (Poodle Hat), generally mediocre all around (Even Worse) to banging on all cylinders from start to finish (Straight Outta Lynwood). It’s “Running With Scissors” that gives me pause, though, because it has some of the highest high’s of “Weird Al’s” catalogue, but also some of the lowest lows.

Let me be more specific.

“Running With Scissors” is a collection of some of “Weird Al’s” weakest parody songs and strongest originals. They’re juxtaposed on the same album and it creates this experience where I’m waiting for the parodies to end so I can enjoy the originals.

These contrasts are especially poignant to me because, as Nathan Rabin has suggested on various podcasts, every “Weird Al” fan has an album that hooked them, and it was likely the album that was released around the time they were in junior high school. For me, that was “Bad Hair Day” in 1996 and I still love that entire album. But “Running With Scissors” in 1999 was a let down for me and this album was a key reason why I drifted from my “Weird Al” fandom until about a year ago.

Back in the day, though, I didn’t appreciate the original tunes the way I do now because “High School Me’s” musical taste wasn’t that eclectic. Now that I have revisited the album 20 years later, my criticisms remain, but I sense the imbalance and unease of this album even more. Hell, one of the style parody originals on this album is part of my Rock Hall Project as an exemplar of “Weird Al’s” work and I consider this album among his weakest.

To help put this into context, here’re my thoughts as the songs roll along:

The Saga Begins

I enjoy the tunefulness and flow of this song. But it’s not really very imaginative. It’s basically the plot to “The Phantom Menace” to Don McClean’s “American Pie.” I can tolerate it up until the lyrics mention midichlorians and then I’m reminded of possibly the dumbest addition to the Star Wars canon. And, like the original, it goes on for one too many verses and ends on kind of a downer. I often skip this track.

My Baby’s In Love With Eddie Vedder

I like this song. Admittedly, the lyrical jokes aren’t that good, but musically it’s a solid style parody of Zydeco music. One of the themes of “Weird Al’s” music is how, even when a song doesn’t work that well as comedy, there’s spectacular craftsmanship in his song-writing if you’re paying attention. An example in this song is how well the declamation (rhythm to the words) works with the ends of phrases. At the end of the second verse, the lyric “Like he’s some tortured gen-knee-yus and I’m some kind of wiener” always strikes me as musically satisfying because the words themselves just fit into the phrase. So, even though the Eddie Vedder references were a few years too late and this is the second best song about him (the first goes to Eddie Vedder by Local H), I’d give this song a solid B and enjoy it despite it not being particularly funny.

Pretty Fly (For a Rabbi)

Arguably “Weird Al’s” worst parody. I’m not going to get too deep into this one, but the Jewish references are stereotypical/kind of lazy and Al just doesn’t have the vocal timbre to imitate The Offspring’s Dexter Holland without just sounding screechy and tense. If I don’t skip this song in the play through, it’s because I want to give it another shot and I always regret it.

The “Weird Al” Show Theme

A few years before the release of this album, “Weird Al” had a Saturday morning show meant for kids. It’s a classic. I suggest you look it up.

Its theme song on this album, though…is jarring. The song changes musical styles suddenly four times in just over a minute. In the context of the tv show, this works because it’s accompanied by a change in animation styles. But as a standalone piece of music, it’s a really unpleasant listen.

Jerry Springer

Ugh…another parody that I would put in “Weird Al’s” bottom five along with “Pretty Fly (For a Rabbi).” First, the Barenaked Ladies song on which it’s based is notoriously annoying (and a low point for that otherwise quality band). Second, it sounds dated due to the Jerry Springer Show focus and (now, but not really at the time) transphobic terms like “shemale” tossed around. Lastly, this song begins almost identically to the song that comes before it. For somebody who puts so much care into the musical and lyrical content of his music, this is such an odd “Weird Al” misstep.

I want to take a second to say that I don’t think “Weird Al” would write this song today nor use terms that are offensive to people who identify as trans or gender non-binary. This album was released in 1999 and we can’t judge its content by today’s standards. This is why I said the song sounded “dated,” which is odd considering “Weird Al” writes timeless classics like…

Germs

Now we get to the good stuff. Germs is a masterpiece and one of a few of his style parodies I would actually call a pastiche. It perfectly encapsulates the paranoia and anxiety of Nine Inch Nails’ industrial musical style by combining the emotions of a germophobic individual with familiar motives from NIN’s entire catalogue. In fact, I use this song in my own collegiate teaching because it so skillfully apes the NIN aesthetic.

I teach and introduction to music education course for students interested in becoming music teachers. For one of our lessons, we discuss music learning through listening activities. One particular exercise has the students break into groups to write down the musical characteristics of a musical artist. They listen to a group of songs and write down words describing specific aspects of the music. Because they were all born after 2000, I use NIN. I choose three well-known NIN songs (at least to me) and Germs by “Weird Al.” At the end of the exercise, I ask if anything seemed “weird” about any of the songs and in all the times I’ve done this, nobody has noticed that I slipped a non-NIN song into the mix. THAT’S HOW WELL-CRAFTED THIS SONG IS! If you didn’t know any better, you would assume this was a NIN song and that’s saying something!

Polka Power!

A fun pop polka medley that pretty perfectly encapsulates my junior year of high school. I wouldn’t have thought“Flagpole Sitta” by Harvey Danger and “Semi Charmed Life” by Third Eye Blind would work so well as polkas. But “Weird Al’s” knack for reimagining music as polkas continues to wow me. Would anybody else like to hear the entire polkatized version of “Closing Time” by Semisonic now?

Your Horoscope For Today

If you grew up in the 90s, ska was inevitable. It’s a combination of reggae and punk that has all the energy angsty white kids need to make up dumb dances and invent ephemeral fashion trends. It also gave the kids in marching band a confidence boost to hear trumpets and trombones playing catchy melodies on the radio. Ska still speaks to me culturally 20 years later, so I really dig this song, and not just because “Weird Al” called in ringers from Reel Big Fish and Tower of Power to play horns (Rabin, 2020, p. 246).

This particular song is also classic “Weird Al” in that it takes his randomness and organizes in an effective and satirical way. Horoscopes can be generic and random at the same time, so as “Weird Al” makes his way through all 12 signs of the zodiac, his usual madcap-randomness doesn’t seem as random. The satirical specificity of the horoscopes presents a perfect platform for “Weird Al’s” talent at spouting off random details that also happen to fit perfectly with the musical stresses of the song. Nowhere is this more apparent than the bridge where the narrator purposefully undermines the song’s premise:

Now you may find it inconceivable or rather very least a bit unlikely that
The relative position of the planets and the stars
Could have a special deep significance or meaning
That exclusively applies to only you

But, let me give you my assurance that
These forecasts and predictions are all based on
Solid, scientific, documented evidence
So you would have to be some kind of moron
Not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true

Now where was I? Oh, yes.

This song is also a subtle nod to the chorus of the Mighty Mighty Bosstones’ “The Impression That I Get.” In the MMB song, the first line of the chorus is “I never had to knock on wood,” which implies a superstitious subtext to the song…which is overtly obvious in “Weird Al’s” ska-inspired song about believing the alignment of the stars and celestial orbs to your relative position in time somehow means something.

It’s All About the Pentiums

I was not much of a hip-hop/rap fan until I started listening to The Roots after their brilliant 2006 album, Game Theory. So, this Puff Daddy parody was pearls before swine the first time I listened to it. It’s a shame that “White & Nerdy” was such a hit because it made pop culture forget this gem that is arguably better. What makes it particularly amazing is how the jokes don’t feel dated despite them being crystalized in 1999 computer lingo. There are some exceptions, like references to a 286 processors and a 32-bit graphics cards. But the lyrical content focuses more on timeless computer issues like slow processing and machines going obsolete almost immediately after you buy them. I still laugh at the line about “Weird Al” calling Bill Gates “Money” and calling him at home for tech support, especially now that Gates will soon become the supreme overlord to humanity once his nanobots get implanted in all our brainstems through vaccines to harvest our sweet, sweet data.

Truck Drivin’ Song

I don’t know if this song is offensive or not. I’ve actually asked some trans men and trans women about this song and I usually get a shrug because they don’t see it as anything but goofy jokes about a cross-dressing truck driver, but another friend of mine considers this a “minstrel song” because it’s a cis-male singing as a character who scraps gender norms.

One thing is obvious to me, though. “Weird Al” was not intending to offend anyone or make any big statement about gender norms. He wanted to make a style parody that imitated old Country songs where a bass singer is basically describing what it’s like to drive a truck but with an unexpected twist. It’s also likely just an homage to “The Lumberjack Song” by Monty Python. Now, is that how the song is interpreted by the listener? That’s a different story and the big post-modern question we’re all working through in modern society.

So, I’m also left shrugging when it comes to this song because it represents another highly competent original song that pays tribute to an otherwise forgotten musical style yet presents some problematic elements in a modern context.

Grapefruit Diet

Jazzy fat jokes. Forgettable at best…like the band “Cherry Poppin’ Daddies.”

Albuquerque

If any song were to cement “Weird Al” Yankovic’s place in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, it’s this one. Albuquerque is the quintessential “Weird Al” song in that it has everything. Starved flesh-eating weasels. A plane crash with one survivor and his somehow intact tenor saxophone. Soupy ashtrays. Chainsaws. Sauerkraut. Spelling.

Underneath the absurd zaniness is “Weird Al’s” unparalleled discipline and craftsmanship. As with any rock narrative song, there are places where the music accentuates the story like Bermuda Schwartz playing accented triplets when the protagonist hears a knock on his Holiday Inn room door or Jim West doing his best “George Thorogood and the Destroyers” impression when the donut shop clerk asks “YEAHHHH…WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?”

Now where was I? I kind of lost my train of thought… oh yeah!

THIS. SONG. ISAMASTERPIECEOFBOTHROCKANDCOMEDY!!!

That’s all I’m really trying to say. At least for now. You can read a much more in-depth breakdown of the song here!

Under Construction

Greetings! And thanks for checking this part of the website out.

I will be writing here more regularly once I finish the Rock Hall Project.

Seeing that the Rock Hall recently released its nominees for the 2021 inductees, I feel compelled to complete that project more quickly than planned in order to for it to enter the zeitgeist of the internet and do the most good.

Expect to see regular entries every Sunday beginning on March 21st, 2021.